this is how life feels
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Simple enough.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour