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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Good morning y’all ☀️
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.