Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then