Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.