THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Saw online –
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)