I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.