When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Morning my dudes.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…