There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
tis the season
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.