If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Shortcut
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab