“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
and this one
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I think my mom just blocked me
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E