Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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moms in horror movies
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.