I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family