If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Good boy 😂😂
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.