Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
This was a bad idea all around
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.