Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.