someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
podcasts
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes