18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.