serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.