When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
He just like my cat fr
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Life hack
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick