Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Best spoiler warning ever
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.