CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*