cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Oh my god
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke