My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
You Might Also Like
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.