Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*