I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”