“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m calling the cops.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo