Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!