Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.