Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd