*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Ape together strong
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.