The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
never forget
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My beach vacation Google searches
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown