I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk