Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.