To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
pat pat
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it