In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.