Kentucky names the shit out of places
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help