Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
haha same
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.