You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.