It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.