PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
You Might Also Like
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
3% human
97% stress
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.