Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A friend helps you before you need it
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The Birdles
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you