Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.