Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those