If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…