Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You Might Also Like
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Oh boy, $150,000!
Namaste
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
the rocks need my help
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before