Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad