The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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Meanwhile in Canada…
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye