Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
This kid is a star!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
fr
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.