Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler