Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.